Conflicting

I want beauty
but I see pain.

I want goodness
but I see dark.

I want freedom
but I see anxieties.

I want meaning
but I see fake.

I want truth
but I see lies.

I want fairness
but I see cheap.

I want relaxed
but I see worries.

I want keepers
but I see ditches.

I want alone
but I see people.

I want happiness
but I am overwhelmed with sadness.

I read through my journal and liked this

You do this.
I do that.
You have been here.
I have been there.
You learn your language.
I learn my language.
You walk your way.
I walk my way.
You see through your eyes.
I see through my eyes.
We see the same thing but not in the same way.
I am not sure how to see it.

Do I look for the beauty? Do I look for the pain? Do I look for color? Do I look for the absence of light? Do I see it naked? Do I see it raw? Do I see it with glazed eyes? Do I see it made up? Do I see it covered up? Do I see it glowing? Do I see it free flowing? Do I see it empty? Do I see it full? Do I see it big? Do I see it small? Do I see a change? Do I see its lies? Do I see its truths? Do I see the blemishes? Do I see the lines? And the curves? And the wrinkles? And the holes? And everything that is not there?
Do I see it with someone else's eyes?
Or can I only see it from my own?

Do I see what you do not see?

And you see what I cannot see?

I do not know.
But I do not think we see the same thing.

Finally

It's been a while. I want to write more in here. I am on a journey of recovery. To remember what I love and write about what I love. I love to write. And analyze and understand. I hope this helps.

Okay, so I take that back

I am worried about me!

I am not worried about me

You spend the majority of your life being one thing and wanting to do one thing.

Then you grow up. And you are not that one thing and you do not want to do that one thing.

And then you have to start over. But how and what. What to do now and how to do it. This is what I have been trying to figure out for years now. I had it all figured out one time. It was simple, it was obvious, it was in my blood, in my genes. It was who I was supposed to be. It was who I ought to be.

But it was not my heart, my muscles or my bones. I could not move that way. I was stiffened and unhappy. And it has taken me a while to get moving again. I have taken steps. So many steps. Only to fall. Or not know how to keep walking in that direction. Because I have never walked that way before. And I am not certain that is the way I intend to go.

I know a few things. I want peace. With myself, with others, and with my world. I want the people around me that are of most importance to me. Who are my blood or the ones I trust and love. There is no sense in being alone when the ones I love are in existence.

But what to do? Work. It is inevitable. And it takes up a lot of time and effort of a person's life. I want my work to be meaningful, yet sufficient. I want to be good at what I do. To do something I was made to do. I focused so much time doing something I was not made to do, I did not figure out or develop the things I really loved. I am not even sure what I love now. I made everything mediocre compared to my one thing, that it is hard for me to see anything else as remarkable. Can I let myself be passionate about anything else? I try to be of no opinion because I am uncertain and do not want to be too extreme. But I have an opinion. I have passion. But where is my dream? What is it that I really want?

I do not think it is too late for me. I wish I was graduated. I wish I was already in place. But that is only for the sake of others. I know I am not ready. I have not yet found my place. But I am searching.

I am not worried about me.