Monday, March 15, 2010

I am not worried about me

You spend the majority of your life being one thing and wanting to do one thing.

Then you grow up. And you are not that one thing and you do not want to do that one thing.

And then you have to start over. But how and what. What to do now and how to do it. This is what I have been trying to figure out for years now. I had it all figured out one time. It was simple, it was obvious, it was in my blood, in my genes. It was who I was supposed to be. It was who I ought to be.

But it was not my heart, my muscles or my bones. I could not move that way. I was stiffened and unhappy. And it has taken me a while to get moving again. I have taken steps. So many steps. Only to fall. Or not know how to keep walking in that direction. Because I have never walked that way before. And I am not certain that is the way I intend to go.

I know a few things. I want peace. With myself, with others, and with my world. I want the people around me that are of most importance to me. Who are my blood or the ones I trust and love. There is no sense in being alone when the ones I love are in existence.

But what to do? Work. It is inevitable. And it takes up a lot of time and effort of a person's life. I want my work to be meaningful, yet sufficient. I want to be good at what I do. To do something I was made to do. I focused so much time doing something I was not made to do, I did not figure out or develop the things I really loved. I am not even sure what I love now. I made everything mediocre compared to my one thing, that it is hard for me to see anything else as remarkable. Can I let myself be passionate about anything else? I try to be of no opinion because I am uncertain and do not want to be too extreme. But I have an opinion. I have passion. But where is my dream? What is it that I really want?

I do not think it is too late for me. I wish I was graduated. I wish I was already in place. But that is only for the sake of others. I know I am not ready. I have not yet found my place. But I am searching.

I am not worried about me.


Josh said...

Love your thoughts! Can't wait to read more in four months when you post again! ;)

Jamie said...

:) Have to laugh at Josh's comment! I love your posts and the way you write. I'm always happy to see a new one too...

Gwen said...

Love you Julie. Thanks for sharing your heart. I have no doubt you will find your place in the world.

Missing you! Need to try to talk soon.

(I had to smile at Josh' comment, too:)

Mike and Joni said...

I feel like I should say something about Josh's comment. :)
Love it Julie.. Love you. YOU are beautiful and I can't wait to see where your dreams land you.