the day my friend died but I didn't know it yet

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

This is perfect. Watching the sunset in Brown County State Park with Heidi and Winnie and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. It is cool and crisp, like fall and we can see the canopy of trees and it makes me want to stay in the forest. Maybe I'll work in the forest, be a part of the DNR, I just love being in nature so much. It's so nice to have a day off and spontaneously go to the woods. Go to the trees which give me oxygen, give me a fresh breath each time I visit them. It leaves me a little more profound and transcends my thoughts into a new awakening. I no longer care about my responsibilities, my stressors, my worries. There is no time for that. I don't need to worry about me. If all else fails, I can always find the trees. I can always find the sun. They remain. And I can find colors. Shades of blue and orange. And contrasts. The contrasts when it's dusk and the trees are so dark compared to the glowing background of the sun setting. Or the contrast of the clouds against their glowing backdrop. I am being reborn. I am being penetrated by the glory of the trees. I don't even want to write about my life. This is my life right now. I am peace. I am quiet. I am still. I am alive. And I cannot help but over dramatize my existence with I am in nature. I am too in awe of my surroundings to have a better response. Woa is me to exist in this place. Nature does what it wants, trees just grow, insects are already in place, the sun always sets, and the sun always rises. I don't have any control over any of this. It happens without my thoughts or with my thoughts. Things come alive and things go to die and the sun still sets and rises and the trees still grow. And the life that prevails is just that, prevailing, somehow until it passes with the setting sun and doesn't arise with the morning sun. And somehow I have come to be in this point in time. And I don't know why. And I don't know for how long or if I'll even always like my time here or if it will be worth it. But maybe then it's not a matter of worth, I'd either be here or no where, so at least I get to be somewhere. And so I'm glad I'm here. And I'm even glad to say I'm here, here. Meaning here in this spot, in an Indiana state park with my roommate and her dog, in the mostly dark condition. With only a slight orange glow illuminating behind the trees. With deep purple clouds, making complimentary colors with the deep orange red sky. oh my.

the end.

there is beauty in pain

In Progress

You set up traps for me.
And not just mouse traps.

You strapped me in your power belt,
the one that said "Gary" or "Bill,"
and sometimes tightened the notches.
I think you even made a new hole,
and not just in the belt.

You etched me into your guitar
and played me from your skyscraper,
the one that was your love for me.
And from the top you spit me out,
and it did not take me years to reach the ground.

You played me like a poker game,
and I could not call it honest.
From your deceit you stole from me,
and not just my money.

You smoked me like your cigarette,
sucked me in and blew me out.
and burned me past the filter

But it's not and it wasn't

If it was love,
it would have grown on trees

If it was loyalty,
it would have been carved in stones

If it was gentle,
it would have whispered in the wind

If it was free,
it would have danced on streets

If it was forgiveness,
it would have made a rainbow

If it was life,
it would have grown flowers

If it was beautiful,
it would have painted a picture

If it was good,
it would have not existed at all.

Spinning

We spin.

And spin.

And spin.

Everything our own way.

And then we are so dizzy.

We cannot see it your way.


I spin.

And spin.

And spin.

Everything your way.

And then I am so dizzy.

I cannot see it my way.

Conflicting

I want beauty
but I see pain.

I want goodness
but I see dark.

I want freedom
but I see anxieties.

I want meaning
but I see fake.

I want truth
but I see lies.

I want fairness
but I see cheap.

I want relaxed
but I see worries.

I want keepers
but I see ditches.

I want alone
but I see people.

I want happiness
but I am overwhelmed with sadness.

I read through my journal and liked this

You do this.
I do that.
You have been here.
I have been there.
You learn your language.
I learn my language.
You walk your way.
I walk my way.
You see through your eyes.
I see through my eyes.
We see the same thing but not in the same way.
I am not sure how to see it.

Do I look for the beauty? Do I look for the pain? Do I look for color? Do I look for the absence of light? Do I see it naked? Do I see it raw? Do I see it with glazed eyes? Do I see it made up? Do I see it covered up? Do I see it glowing? Do I see it free flowing? Do I see it empty? Do I see it full? Do I see it big? Do I see it small? Do I see a change? Do I see its lies? Do I see its truths? Do I see the blemishes? Do I see the lines? And the curves? And the wrinkles? And the holes? And everything that is not there?
Do I see it with someone else's eyes?
Or can I only see it from my own?

Do I see what you do not see?

And you see what I cannot see?

I do not know.
But I do not think we see the same thing.

Finally

It's been a while. I want to write more in here. I am on a journey of recovery. To remember what I love and write about what I love. I love to write. And analyze and understand. I hope this helps.

Okay, so I take that back

I am worried about me!

I am not worried about me

You spend the majority of your life being one thing and wanting to do one thing.

Then you grow up. And you are not that one thing and you do not want to do that one thing.

And then you have to start over. But how and what. What to do now and how to do it. This is what I have been trying to figure out for years now. I had it all figured out one time. It was simple, it was obvious, it was in my blood, in my genes. It was who I was supposed to be. It was who I ought to be.

But it was not my heart, my muscles or my bones. I could not move that way. I was stiffened and unhappy. And it has taken me a while to get moving again. I have taken steps. So many steps. Only to fall. Or not know how to keep walking in that direction. Because I have never walked that way before. And I am not certain that is the way I intend to go.

I know a few things. I want peace. With myself, with others, and with my world. I want the people around me that are of most importance to me. Who are my blood or the ones I trust and love. There is no sense in being alone when the ones I love are in existence.

But what to do? Work. It is inevitable. And it takes up a lot of time and effort of a person's life. I want my work to be meaningful, yet sufficient. I want to be good at what I do. To do something I was made to do. I focused so much time doing something I was not made to do, I did not figure out or develop the things I really loved. I am not even sure what I love now. I made everything mediocre compared to my one thing, that it is hard for me to see anything else as remarkable. Can I let myself be passionate about anything else? I try to be of no opinion because I am uncertain and do not want to be too extreme. But I have an opinion. I have passion. But where is my dream? What is it that I really want?

I do not think it is too late for me. I wish I was graduated. I wish I was already in place. But that is only for the sake of others. I know I am not ready. I have not yet found my place. But I am searching.

I am not worried about me.

Peace.

And I don't mean world peace.

I mean inner peace.

Peace that comes from acceptance in the midst of uncertainty.

Peace that comes from understanding in the midst of chaos.

Peace that comes from hope in the midst of pain.

Peace that comes form love in the midst of despair.

Peace that comes from roses in the midst of thorns.

Peace that comes from options in the midst of instability.

Peace that comes from trees in the midst of a city.

Peace that comes from bikes in the midst of cars.

Peace that comes from flowers in the midst of a desert.

Peace that comes from a smile in the midst of blank faces.

Peace that comes from Ghandi in the midst of injustice.

Peace that comes from Mother Teresa in the midst of the poor.

Peace that comes from friends in the midst of strangers.

Peace that comes from laughter in the midst of tragedy.

Peace that comes from evergreens in the midst of winter.

Peace that comes from no answers in the midst of the questions.

Peace that comes from life in the midst of death.

New Growth

So many processes in life can be understood through nature. Or more observing nature may enlighten a life process. Right now I'm healing. The forest of my soul has been burned to the ground. It needed to be. It knows the fire was good. Fire refines.

I tried to keep wet wood. I tried to distinguish the fire. It was too hot to bear. But without it complete, my forest had half trees and even a few full trees. They all needed to come down because new growth is coming. If I let it. If I let the fire consume me and resettle my ashes.

Now I can feel the new growth coming. It's poking through the grounds of my soul. And I'm excited to see what the things poking me will become. Maybe I'll get some apple trees or a peach tree. Maybe even a few sequoia trees. I hope it is fruit. That would give my forest some color. But I'm okay with whatever my forest will look like next. I think it's going to be quite full and lush. I think it will bring life to me and those around me.

you are not clean

You've had your scrapes. you've had your bruises. and your cuts. and tears. And frayed off ends. and unmendable holes. and unintentional fringes. and broken parts with missing pieces. and burned ashes that will never be reborn. and scars that will not be hidden.

You have your marks. and there they will remain. you no longer look the same. you no longer feel the same. you can not cover them up. they are a part of you. they must go with you. you cannot wipe them off. you cannot pretend they are not there. they have created you. they have made you. they will live through you.

So stop ignoring them. stop pretending they are not there. stop pretending you are clean. stop pretending you have smooth edges and good form. acknowledge your developed shape. it fits you. it is you. it is where you've been. it is where you're going. don't let it live without you because it will still exist. and you will not fully exist without it. because it is you. and living means tearing and bleeding and fraying your ends. and never mending the same.

But that doesn't mean you've lost your beauty. it means you've lived. you're still here. you even grew while you were pooped on. despite the aroma and the flies. and the changes. don't hide your beauty. take your hands from your face. get your fingers out of your mouth. you know more now then you did before. you have felt more than you did before. you have lived more than you have before. you're still alive. so keep living.

yes you, it's true

Don't say what you mean
mean what you say.

Don't try to be cruel
it is who you are.

Don't listen to me
cause I've got nothing to say.

Don't tell me lies
but lie to yourself.

Assume what you will
because it must be true.

Feel what you want
because it's always right.

Don't trust anybody
either way you'll be hurt.

Don't trust me
I'm just a part of everybody.

Try to be difficult
life wasn't meant to be easy.

Ruin your dreams
because they couldn't really come true.

Don't deal with it
things will work out if they are supposed to.

Make things mean more than they do
then you're life can be dramatic.

If it's too good
ruin it.

Don't say anything at all
then you can be the last honest man.

Numb

It would be nice to ignore my b. The one that takes up 25% of me. Maybe that would include an arm, a leg and a butt cheek. Or maybe an eye, an ear, and my right hand. Or the entire left side of my brain. The part that doesn't stop analyzing. Or the left ventricle of my heart. The part that has a hard time pumping. Then the pain would not be so bad when I scrape my leg or I break my heart. I would not feel it. That part would be numb.

But where would I be without my b. I would not feel like me. I would not feel your touch on my right butt cheek or analyze the way you looked at me. I would not know the joy of being loved and feel the blood pumping into me.

So, even though it hurts. It hurts quite a bit. I choose to recognize my b. I do not want to lose the joy just to put away my pain. I choose to live with my b. No matter what part of me that it may be.

I didn't need you

You made me need you.

And I did.

But I turned into an avalanche.

The more I needed you the more I collapsed.

And you were caught in it.

And you came tumbling down with me.

And then we were both at the bottom.

Buried, trying to breathe.

And now we are digging our way out.

And it's very hard.

We are so weighted down.

But we will get out.

You will survive.

I will survive.

And hopefully we will make it to the top again.

Maybe not together.

Maybe not even at the same time.

But we will both get there.

Yes, we will.

Peace

There is no peace.
It is not within me.
It is not within you.
It is not within us.
It is not within them.
It has never been.
It will never come.


I want peace.
Peace for me.
Peace for you.
I want it in my bones.
I want it in my veins.
Pumping into me.
I want it in the air.
Breathing into me.
And then I want to breathe it out to you.
I want it for us.
I want it for them.

It does not fit.
It does not function.
It does not cooperate.
It does not know.
It is not right.
It is not satisfied.
It is not calm.
It is not okay.
It has no reason.
It has no fight.
It has no idea.
It has no clue.
It does not know where it is going.
Or if it is going anywhere.
It has no true answers.
There are no answers.
It must wonder aimlessly.
That is the point.

Where do friends meet when they're poor?
When the coffee is money
And the drinks are more.

Where do grandpas give whey they're old?
When their kids are too busy
And the distance is far.

Where do partners embrace when they're torn?
When the church is too righteous
And the public is proud.

Where do winners look when they loose?
When the camera is there
And their fans all stare.

Where do deaf men hear what you say?
When their ears are numb
And their heart is full.

Where do girls play all their games?
When their tricks are dull
And the boys have won.

Where do parents kiss when it rains?
When the kids are gone
And their love is old.

Natural

The rest of my speech will come later.


I do not want things to be formal or overdone. I want everything to be true and natural. This is probably my biggest problem. While everyone else is changing who they really are to appear to be something more, I am just who I am. And I know I am making others sounds bad, they are really just bettering themselves. But I want to see people raw. I want to see them with their hair done naturally and their talents without practice. So when I could look better or more appealing, I choose not to because I do not feel that it is truly me. It is ridiculous, but I cannot get out of that mindset.