Finally

It's been a while. I want to write more in here. I am on a journey of recovery. To remember what I love and write about what I love. I love to write. And analyze and understand. I hope this helps.

Okay, so I take that back

I am worried about me!

I am not worried about me

You spend the majority of your life being one thing and wanting to do one thing.

Then you grow up. And you are not that one thing and you do not want to do that one thing.

And then you have to start over. But how and what. What to do now and how to do it. This is what I have been trying to figure out for years now. I had it all figured out one time. It was simple, it was obvious, it was in my blood, in my genes. It was who I was supposed to be. It was who I ought to be.

But it was not my heart, my muscles or my bones. I could not move that way. I was stiffened and unhappy. And it has taken me a while to get moving again. I have taken steps. So many steps. Only to fall. Or not know how to keep walking in that direction. Because I have never walked that way before. And I am not certain that is the way I intend to go.

I know a few things. I want peace. With myself, with others, and with my world. I want the people around me that are of most importance to me. Who are my blood or the ones I trust and love. There is no sense in being alone when the ones I love are in existence.

But what to do? Work. It is inevitable. And it takes up a lot of time and effort of a person's life. I want my work to be meaningful, yet sufficient. I want to be good at what I do. To do something I was made to do. I focused so much time doing something I was not made to do, I did not figure out or develop the things I really loved. I am not even sure what I love now. I made everything mediocre compared to my one thing, that it is hard for me to see anything else as remarkable. Can I let myself be passionate about anything else? I try to be of no opinion because I am uncertain and do not want to be too extreme. But I have an opinion. I have passion. But where is my dream? What is it that I really want?

I do not think it is too late for me. I wish I was graduated. I wish I was already in place. But that is only for the sake of others. I know I am not ready. I have not yet found my place. But I am searching.

I am not worried about me.

Peace.

And I don't mean world peace.

I mean inner peace.

Peace that comes from acceptance in the midst of uncertainty.

Peace that comes from understanding in the midst of chaos.

Peace that comes from hope in the midst of pain.

Peace that comes form love in the midst of despair.

Peace that comes from roses in the midst of thorns.

Peace that comes from options in the midst of instability.

Peace that comes from trees in the midst of a city.

Peace that comes from bikes in the midst of cars.

Peace that comes from flowers in the midst of a desert.

Peace that comes from a smile in the midst of blank faces.

Peace that comes from Ghandi in the midst of injustice.

Peace that comes from Mother Teresa in the midst of the poor.

Peace that comes from friends in the midst of strangers.

Peace that comes from laughter in the midst of tragedy.

Peace that comes from evergreens in the midst of winter.

Peace that comes from no answers in the midst of the questions.

Peace that comes from life in the midst of death.

New Growth

So many processes in life can be understood through nature. Or more observing nature may enlighten a life process. Right now I'm healing. The forest of my soul has been burned to the ground. It needed to be. It knows the fire was good. Fire refines.

I tried to keep wet wood. I tried to distinguish the fire. It was too hot to bear. But without it complete, my forest had half trees and even a few full trees. They all needed to come down because new growth is coming. If I let it. If I let the fire consume me and resettle my ashes.

Now I can feel the new growth coming. It's poking through the grounds of my soul. And I'm excited to see what the things poking me will become. Maybe I'll get some apple trees or a peach tree. Maybe even a few sequoia trees. I hope it is fruit. That would give my forest some color. But I'm okay with whatever my forest will look like next. I think it's going to be quite full and lush. I think it will bring life to me and those around me.

you are not clean

You've had your scrapes. you've had your bruises. and your cuts. and tears. And frayed off ends. and unmendable holes. and unintentional fringes. and broken parts with missing pieces. and burned ashes that will never be reborn. and scars that will not be hidden.

You have your marks. and there they will remain. you no longer look the same. you no longer feel the same. you can not cover them up. they are a part of you. they must go with you. you cannot wipe them off. you cannot pretend they are not there. they have created you. they have made you. they will live through you.

So stop ignoring them. stop pretending they are not there. stop pretending you are clean. stop pretending you have smooth edges and good form. acknowledge your developed shape. it fits you. it is you. it is where you've been. it is where you're going. don't let it live without you because it will still exist. and you will not fully exist without it. because it is you. and living means tearing and bleeding and fraying your ends. and never mending the same.

But that doesn't mean you've lost your beauty. it means you've lived. you're still here. you even grew while you were pooped on. despite the aroma and the flies. and the changes. don't hide your beauty. take your hands from your face. get your fingers out of your mouth. you know more now then you did before. you have felt more than you did before. you have lived more than you have before. you're still alive. so keep living.

yes you, it's true

Don't say what you mean
mean what you say.

Don't try to be cruel
it is who you are.

Don't listen to me
cause I've got nothing to say.

Don't tell me lies
but lie to yourself.

Assume what you will
because it must be true.

Feel what you want
because it's always right.

Don't trust anybody
either way you'll be hurt.

Don't trust me
I'm just a part of everybody.

Try to be difficult
life wasn't meant to be easy.

Ruin your dreams
because they couldn't really come true.

Don't deal with it
things will work out if they are supposed to.

Make things mean more than they do
then you're life can be dramatic.

If it's too good
ruin it.

Don't say anything at all
then you can be the last honest man.