the day my friend died but I didn't know it yet

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

This is perfect. Watching the sunset in Brown County State Park with Heidi and Winnie and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. It is cool and crisp, like fall and we can see the canopy of trees and it makes me want to stay in the forest. Maybe I'll work in the forest, be a part of the DNR, I just love being in nature so much. It's so nice to have a day off and spontaneously go to the woods. Go to the trees which give me oxygen, give me a fresh breath each time I visit them. It leaves me a little more profound and transcends my thoughts into a new awakening. I no longer care about my responsibilities, my stressors, my worries. There is no time for that. I don't need to worry about me. If all else fails, I can always find the trees. I can always find the sun. They remain. And I can find colors. Shades of blue and orange. And contrasts. The contrasts when it's dusk and the trees are so dark compared to the glowing background of the sun setting. Or the contrast of the clouds against their glowing backdrop. I am being reborn. I am being penetrated by the glory of the trees. I don't even want to write about my life. This is my life right now. I am peace. I am quiet. I am still. I am alive. And I cannot help but over dramatize my existence with I am in nature. I am too in awe of my surroundings to have a better response. Woa is me to exist in this place. Nature does what it wants, trees just grow, insects are already in place, the sun always sets, and the sun always rises. I don't have any control over any of this. It happens without my thoughts or with my thoughts. Things come alive and things go to die and the sun still sets and rises and the trees still grow. And the life that prevails is just that, prevailing, somehow until it passes with the setting sun and doesn't arise with the morning sun. And somehow I have come to be in this point in time. And I don't know why. And I don't know for how long or if I'll even always like my time here or if it will be worth it. But maybe then it's not a matter of worth, I'd either be here or no where, so at least I get to be somewhere. And so I'm glad I'm here. And I'm even glad to say I'm here, here. Meaning here in this spot, in an Indiana state park with my roommate and her dog, in the mostly dark condition. With only a slight orange glow illuminating behind the trees. With deep purple clouds, making complimentary colors with the deep orange red sky. oh my.

the end.

there is beauty in pain

In Progress

You set up traps for me.
And not just mouse traps.

You strapped me in your power belt,
the one that said "Gary" or "Bill,"
and sometimes tightened the notches.
I think you even made a new hole,
and not just in the belt.

You etched me into your guitar
and played me from your skyscraper,
the one that was your love for me.
And from the top you spit me out,
and it did not take me years to reach the ground.

You played me like a poker game,
and I could not call it honest.
From your deceit you stole from me,
and not just my money.

You smoked me like your cigarette,
sucked me in and blew me out.
and burned me past the filter

But it's not and it wasn't

If it was love,
it would have grown on trees

If it was loyalty,
it would have been carved in stones

If it was gentle,
it would have whispered in the wind

If it was free,
it would have danced on streets

If it was forgiveness,
it would have made a rainbow

If it was life,
it would have grown flowers

If it was beautiful,
it would have painted a picture

If it was good,
it would have not existed at all.

Spinning

We spin.

And spin.

And spin.

Everything our own way.

And then we are so dizzy.

We cannot see it your way.


I spin.

And spin.

And spin.

Everything your way.

And then I am so dizzy.

I cannot see it my way.

Conflicting

I want beauty
but I see pain.

I want goodness
but I see dark.

I want freedom
but I see anxieties.

I want meaning
but I see fake.

I want truth
but I see lies.

I want fairness
but I see cheap.

I want relaxed
but I see worries.

I want keepers
but I see ditches.

I want alone
but I see people.

I want happiness
but I am overwhelmed with sadness.

I read through my journal and liked this

You do this.
I do that.
You have been here.
I have been there.
You learn your language.
I learn my language.
You walk your way.
I walk my way.
You see through your eyes.
I see through my eyes.
We see the same thing but not in the same way.
I am not sure how to see it.

Do I look for the beauty? Do I look for the pain? Do I look for color? Do I look for the absence of light? Do I see it naked? Do I see it raw? Do I see it with glazed eyes? Do I see it made up? Do I see it covered up? Do I see it glowing? Do I see it free flowing? Do I see it empty? Do I see it full? Do I see it big? Do I see it small? Do I see a change? Do I see its lies? Do I see its truths? Do I see the blemishes? Do I see the lines? And the curves? And the wrinkles? And the holes? And everything that is not there?
Do I see it with someone else's eyes?
Or can I only see it from my own?

Do I see what you do not see?

And you see what I cannot see?

I do not know.
But I do not think we see the same thing.